Banishing my kitchen monster (and other ways to gift myself time and energy)

As part of my Second 50 journey, I’ve been on a mission to undo some of my energy-sapping household norms. One of these has been to banish the kitchen monster I created for myself.  

It was January 2024 when I first did an Energy Audit based on some Life Design guidance from Second 50’s Gill McLaren. 

I was shocked to realise that my dream kitchen had evolved into a time and energy-sapping nightmare. 

I was the mum who dished up smashed avo, eggs and toasties for my sons’ mates, despite protests: “Mum, you don’t have to feed them, they don’t expect it.” An interstate friend was gobsmacked as she watched my on-demand meal service: “Girlfriend, you spend too much time cooking. You need to teach your boys how to batch cook.” 

As I drowned in catering demands ranging from Christmas feasts to late-night teenage hunger pangs, I was increasingly conscious that in 2024, I wanted more time to show up for myself and if I was going to do that, I needed to redesign my life. 

I also did a quick household audit and saw that the kitchen was one of my big impediments to leading my best life.  Without any conscious intention, I had developed some kitchen ‘norms’ that had become a monster that was munching my energy and eating away my precious time.  

How did this happen?  

I cannot recall a single memorable meal that my own working-caregiving mother made and yet, here I was, feeling like a self-made slave to my own kitchen.

I don’t even like cooking! 

Recognising my addiction to the kitchen was what Gill’s Life Design approach calls a “Jolt” moment. Once I saw it,  just like that, I set an intention and decided on a plan. I followed up with an honest conversation with my family and almost instantly, the kitchen monster was banished!  

Skeptical about my shift? I know, it sounds too easy. But it was easy once I recognised what was happening and then took action. And the results speak for themselves. I have reclaimed over 10 hours of my time each week, reduced the grocery bill and shed a few kilos. All my boys now cook many meals for themselves and sometimes for all of us. They have also improved the way they clean up after themselves.   

Most importantly, I have liberated myself and our household to a new era of “our” kitchen, one that is now a shared responsibility. I have released myself from the idea that the cooking area is mine. Instead, it is now ‘our kitchen’, a part of the home that is an equally-shared responsibility. 

In terms of the details, our new habits include better advance planning, more batch cooking, and lowering the effort for weeknight dinners. I have also empowered family members to be more responsible for the menu, purchasing and prep. 

I’ve also changed my perspective about what clean means. I’m not leaving scraps for the cockroaches, but I no longer mind if people come over and there’s stuff on the bench (or in the sink). 

Why am I sharing this story?  When we thought we might get Second 50 off the ground in 2023, I could see that, although everyone was inspired and excited by the proposition, every woman (not just me) was stretched to the limit with a to-do-list, including too many things for others, to find time to show up for themselves. 

Where do busy women, who care about their work and their family and friends, find the time to show up for themselves? 

In truth, too often we don’t.

According to gender equality expert and author Kate Mangino, gender socialisation is partly to blame. In her 2022 book, “Equal Partners – Improving Gender Equality at Home”, Mangino said gender norms run deep: “Even those of us who claim to genuinely believe in gender parity still make subconscious assumptions that lead to inequity.” 

Since the 1980s, studies have consistently shown that, in different-sex relationships, working women do 65% of the unpaid household chores, especially the time sensitive ones like cooking and cleaning. As Mangino details, these studies don’t account for the emotional or cognitive labour that runs from the moment some women wake up to when they collapse into bed. American writer Deborah Levy nails the concept: “An act of immense generosity to be the architect of everyone else’s wellbeing.” 

Maybe you’re shrugging and thinking: “It’s just what we do, I can’t change it, women are better at house stuff.”  

Last year, I might have said the same. But now I can see that my own mindset and my lack of taking more control of my own life, and designing it intentionally, was one of the biggest contributors to making me the central hub in our food planning, purchasing and preparation - for an almost grown family!  

My kitchen story won’t gel with everyone.

I know there are women who love cooking and get genuine pleasure from the daily process, in the same way I do from a bushwalk or a swim in the sea. I know there are women with younger children, who need to be cooked for, unlike my now-grown boys who can learn the valuable life-skill themselves.  

Looking back a few years, I see that there was a period when I got a lot of joy putting a daily feast on the table for my four boys. We had a brand new kitchen that was — very fortunately — completed days before the first Covid lockdown.

But that was a long time ago, and two of my sons are young adults and the third isn’t far behind. I am very clear that I don’t enjoy - and increasingly resent - the day-to-day drudge, time-sink, and mess cooking fills my life with. I’ve got other ways I want to spend my time - and my energy! 

This is just one example of a shift in my life design that has given me back time and energy to focus more on what is important to me.  

I wonder if you also have a self-created, time or energy sucking monster (or two) lurking around your life - in either the house or workplace? 

If you are ready to find and banish your monster, I suspect you’ll be able to show up more for yourself.  

I hope you gift that energy to something that makes you happier, more energised and more productive – now and in your future.